one

dear grace,

your father actually came up with this idea, but i thought i would take it but dont tell him because i'd like to actually keep one secret from him in my life. i cant believe how fast you are growing. your head is still pretty small (23 percentile) but i know there's a big brain in there just waiting to be filled with the world. it was so hot today. i keep getting glimpses of your laugh, i'll catch you chuckling in your sleep or smiling at some joke in your dreams. i love you so, already- i feel my heart could burst. i'm becomming quite the slob actually. i haven't showered in... three days. but i can't help it! i don't want to miss anything! i need to clip your fingernails. you keep scratching my neck and chest as i feed you and hold you. maybe you are trying to get to my heart or something to hold it together (to keep it from bursting of course)- but now you are out here in the real world and not in my belly. i can't believe i'm going to say this (well,write it) but i do miss being pregnant, every need you possibly had my body filled for you naturally. you were safe, and never hungry, and warm. i could carry you everywhere and still have two hands to feed myself, and do other stuff like shower. right now you are propped up on a blanket in a newborn onesie that is too big for you. you look like i tried to dress you in a potatoe sack or something. you are 8 pounds three ounces, and 20.5 inches. when you were born you were 7 pounds 8 oz and 19.5 inches. i call you starfish. well, today i call you starfish- it's one of like eight nicknames i've already tried to name you. but this one is going to stick i promise! everytime i wake you up for a feeding or unswaddle you your arms and legs pop out and you stretch wayyyy out and look like a starfish. when you were in my tummy i called you peanut but after you were born you became this living breathing thing and i couldn't keep you a nut. i tried "little tiny" and "french fry" (that was my nickname as a baby) (that, and stone face) i tried peanut for a while but it didnt seem right! i've thought of calling you cricket... but i'm not sure that's for a girl. you dont like tummy time much, and already you can roll over back onto your back, you are a strong willed girl, and you'll fight for your way. you are such a sweet baby, you are already trying to sleep through the night! but then you want to eat all day to make up for it. today i put you in a dress and you hated it. i felt bad but i laughed because i don't dress up much lately either. 1. because nothing fits, and 2. because it's hard to breastfeed when you are constantly taking your clothes on and off. and 3. you dont have much patience once you are really hungry... you are such a joy to me though. i love watching you and i never want to put you down. and lately you dont want to be put down any more than i want to put you down anyhow so it works out for both of us! dad's gone on some workout binge lately and i've been rather sore with him for it. i feel like if he invested as much time in us as he does in working out that we would all be happier for it. but he disagrees. being physically fit is very important to him and he is always trying to be better and bigger. you keep falling asleep as i write this, even though you're supposed to be eating! you stinker! i'm afraid i've given you terrible acid reflux. you spit up often, and i think it's because ive been eating a bunch of chocolate... sorry. ill try to be better but you must know it's hard to stay away from the stuff hwen i haven't been able to eat it myself without getting the worst heartburn of my life ever for about oh 7 months. you made me very sick little girl. but i've almost forgotten about it in my complete fascination with you already.
oops dad is coming upstairs
loveyou
j