nine

dear grace,
today you are ten pounds! holy moley, i can't believe you went from a little seven pounds to ten in about a month. you've been pretty sad today again, only because it's so hard for me to feed you constantly. it's not that i dont want to, it's just driving me crazy because i get so bored and it's hard to sit still. but finally dad changed you and swung you around for a while and put on taylor swift and you seem to be happy in your rock and play, chewing on your fist like you haven't eaten in days. girl you're gonna be our little chunk in no time if you keep eating this way! today dad said how hard it's going to be to leave you and me for one last deployment. we aren't sure when he will have to go, but i've already accepted that he most likely will have to. you weren't here for the last deployment, but it's hard stuff! i hope you are tougher than i am, and distract me from missing dad so much this time. i'm sure in many ways it will be even more difficult because you'll know him and ask me where he is. last deployment i asked myself why he needed to be gone and when he got back i asked myself even more, when the man i married would really come home from the war and in many ways he hasn't. i'm afraid for our lives and for his. your dad isn't scared of very many things, he's the first to go out of the vehicle. in many ways i feel very sure that one of the reasons he was protected last deployment was so that you could come here to earth. i am so glad he was.
love,
mom

ps this song makes me think of you and i love it: taylor swift never grow up


Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in and turn on your favorite nightlight

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have honey
If you could stay like that


Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple
I won't let nobody hurt you
Wont let no one break your heart
No one will desert you
Just try to never grow up
Never grow up

You're in the car on the way to the movies
And you're mortified your mama's dropping you off
At 14, there's just so much you can't do
And you can't wait to move out
Someday and call your own shots

But don't make her drop you off around the block
Remember that she's getting older too
And don't lose the way that you dance around in your PJs getting ready for school


Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh darling don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up


It could stay this simple
No one's ever burned
Nothing's ever left you scarred
Even though you want to, just try to never grow up

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what is sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I had is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my nightlight on